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Monday, September 23, 2013

Humour in a nutshell

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.

Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, "Suits 15.00 each, Shirts 3.00 each, Trousers 4.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da feckin business" said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts at 3..00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at 4.50 each. And oyll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

.........................

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder and pulled out a picture. 
He said, 
"To be a detective you must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said,
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back, and said,
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture,
and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, Hellooooooooooooo....

With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
...................................................

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" 

He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets!” 

He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father runs screaming out the front door.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he just ran out the door.”

The nurse asks, "Why?"

He replied, "He works for 7-Up!"

The more things change, the more they stay insane.
/
................................

A blind man vists the state of Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
.....................................................................................

How does a Professional, wish success to others ?

plumber : may you tap your talents and explore every faucet of yours !!!!
Principal - abide by your principles and you've got it all !

carpenter- may you nail it at the first attempt

Halwai : the Sweet Success b yours !

Accountant: May you get credit for your hardwork!
Astronaut: Reach for the stars!

Philosopher: May your Karma run over your Dogma!

Electrician..May you always be in the circuit

Chartered Accountant - may your Balance Sheet always tally with name and fame !
Editor : May you always make the Headlines Today and enjoy the Times Now...

painter..may your life be filled with colours.

Mountaineer May you scale great heights

dentist....may you always drill gold
.............................................................
Dutiful wife ...

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
...............................................................................................................................................




way to recognise a doctor in hospital.....


1. girl with apron pockets full of garbage.. restless, irritable , waddling gate.... shouting on phone... A GYNAECOLOGIST

2. steth in neck, hump at back, or sometimes belly try to come out of shirt, silent, tired walk with masked facial appearance..... no response to stimuli to smile... A MEDICINE DOCTOR

3. snoozing on chair... but loud voice... few abuses... dominating personality.. like DON of the hospital, everybody talk to him politely including Dean or Medical superintendent


.. A SURGEON

4. brisk gait, white paste on pant nd boots.... loud voice... lots of attitude... talking of self... arrogant, under influence
an ORTHOPEDICIAN

5. neeras attitude... tired body... always frustrated, response to stimuli... red stetho...
A PEDIATRICIAN

6. Mostly female. ...gossiping...always eating something. ..shouting on someone
ANAESTHETIST

7. Calm, neatly dressed, rarely seen by pts, blurring of vision
RADIOLOGIST

8. In dirty White coat, confused, always in hurry, everybody shouting on him/ her including sister/ Mama
:INTERN

9. a cool, calm, polite, smart, soft spoken with always a smile on face..sweet by nature..... DERMATOLOGIST.
..........................................................................................................
My Dear Love, 

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. 
There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical
eyes, standing in your triangular garden.

Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude
(likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of t radians made a tangent to my
heart, it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can
solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you
extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial
functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from
zero to infinity.

You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life
revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at
parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun will be making an
angle of 160 degrees with the horizon, my heart would be like a solved
polynomial of degree 10.

With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima of an
unknown function.

Yours ever loving,

Pythagoras

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