PUNNY STUFF

 

   A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

      A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

  A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

   A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it. 

   A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens.  A brother is frying chips.  “Are you the friar” he asks.  “No.        

I'm the chip monk,” he replies.

  A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

  A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

    A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

 A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

A prisoner's favourite punctuation mark is the period.  It marks the end of his sentence.

     A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

   A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

  A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  Later, when his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse said 'No change yet'.

  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

  Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

  Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

  Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

 He was lucky it was a soft drink.

 Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?  He's all right now.

   Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

  Every calendar's days are numbered.

  He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

 He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

   I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

 I did a theatrical performance about puns.  Really it was just a play on words.

  I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

   I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

   I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it..

   I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store.  I heard I could get thinner there.

 I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

   I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

  I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

 I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

  If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

 I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  It's impossible to put down.

 In democracy your vote counts.  In feudalism your count votes.

  It's not that the man did not know how to juggle; he just didn't have the balls to do it.

  It's raining cats and dogs.  Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

  John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

  Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

  Local Area Network in Australia – LAN down under.

 My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

  Need an ark to save two of every animal?  I noah guy.

  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

 Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

 Police were called to a Day Care Centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

 Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

 Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

  Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

  She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

 She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

 Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

  Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

 The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

   The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

 The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

 The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 There was a sign on the lawn at a Drug Rehab Centre that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

 Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

 To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

  Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

 Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighbourhood and one of them was a-salted.

 Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

  What did the grape say when it got stepped on?  Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

 What's the definition of a will?  It's a dead give-away.

 When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

  When William joined the army he disliked the phrase “fire at will.”

 With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring.  The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

 You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.