Humour in a nutshell

A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl with tzitzis and  traditional locks of hair. 

 He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.

 So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."

 Soon after the drinks have been handed out; the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

 This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. 

 As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.  He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"   

 Arab asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

 "Nope," replies the bartender nonchalantly, "he owns the place..."Slow Down And Enjoy Life.

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About ten years ago, a young and very successful executive named Josh was traveling down a Chicago neighborhood street. He was going a bit too fast in his sleek, black, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE, which was only two months old.

He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.

As his car passed, no child darted out, but a brick sailed out and-WHUMP! — it smashed into the Jag’s shiny black side door! SCREECH…!!!! Brakes slammed! Gears ground into reverse, and tires madly spun the Jag back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown.
Josh jumped out of the car, grabbed the kid and pushed him up against a parked car. He shouted at the kid, “What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?” Building up a head of steam, he went on. “That’s my new Jag, that brick you threw is gonna cost you a lot of money. Why did you throw it?”

“Please, mister, please…I’m sorry! I didn’t know what else to do!” pleaded the youngster. “I threw the brick because no one else would stop!”

Tears were dripping down the boy’s chin as he pointed around the parked car. “It’s my brother, mister,” he said. “He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can’t lift him up.” Sobbing, the boy asked the executive, “Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He’s hurt and he’s too heavy for me.”

Moved beyond words, the young executive tried desperately to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. Straining, he lifted the young man back into the wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking to see that everything was going to be OK. He then watched the younger brother push him down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long walk back to the sleek, black, shining, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE – a long and slow walk. Josh never did fix the side door of his Jag. He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at him to get his attention.

Some bricks are softer than others. Feel for the bricks of life coming at you. In the hustle bustle and the speed of life, are you missing out the joys of the present moments.

 Slow Down And Enjoy Life.It is Not Only the Scenery You Miss by Going too Fast….You Also Miss the Sense of Where You are Going and Why.

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Dad: Do u know how 2 swim?
Tintumon: No.
Dad: A dog is better than u! It can swim.
Tintumon: So do u know how 2 swim?
Dad: For sure!
Tintumon: Then, what's the difference between u and a dog? 

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Tintumon called FM radio  said
"I've found a purse with Rs.15000/- a credit card & an ID card of Mr.Mani, No.13,Halls rd,kannur….
Radio jocky : How honest ….so you want to return his purse…?
Tintumon : no……. i just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him… ..

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Father and tintumon were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.
The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and tintumon was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Dad," tinumon said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up …"
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?" Tintumon finished. 

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Tintumon was asked to write a sign board for the traffic near the school.
He wrote"Drive carefully! Don't kill the students, wait for the teachers"
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Prof.: Chemical symbol of Barium?
Tintumon:BA
Prof.: For Sodium?
Tintumon:NA
Prof.: What will we get if 1 atom of Barium 2 atoms of Sodium combines?
Tintumon:"BANANA" 

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The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program.
“There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning,Wouldn’t it be better to hear one at a time?”
Tintumon shouted, “Okay – you start.” 

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Teacher: Imagine u r a millionaire. Write ur life history.
Tintumon didn’t write.
Teacher: why are you not writing?
Tintumon : I’m waiting 4 my secretary 2 take notes…. 

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PASSIVE VOICE 
teacher: Write the passive voice of " I made a mistake"
Tintumon: " I was made by a mistake" .

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PROFESSOR 
A professor to tintumon: "what is attention deficit hyperactive disorder?"
Tintumon: "JIMBALAKDI PAMBA"
professor: "I don’t understand anything"
Tintumon: "same 2 you" 

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PTA Meeting 
Tintumon: Dad, there is a small PTA meeting at school tomorrow…..
Dad: Wat do u mean by a small PTA meeting ?
Tintumon: its… just u, me & the Principal ! 

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Techy Tintumon 
Teacher: Write a C program to prevent TITANIC from sinking..
Tintumon:Declare the variable TITANIC as float…! 

A day spent without laughter is a day wasted.…

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A farmer came into chinese town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could sell him a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, "There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!" So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks. The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, "Well... where are all the frogs?" The farmer said, "I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!" 

1- Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs.

2- Problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.

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Who said car names don't have meaning

FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

FORD: For Only Rough Drivers.

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive....

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.

OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life

TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always.

HONDA: Hanged Over, Now Driving Away.

BMW: Big Money Waste

AUDI : An unwanted debt invitation 

Mercedes: Maximum enthusiasm , recurring cost, ego developed, eagerness to sell

And d best..

MARUTI:.

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Made According to Roads & Users Typically Indian

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Two lions escape from a zoo.

One of the lions had been captured from the jungle, so he runs back to the jungle.

The other was born in the zoo itself - so is basically a city-slicker. He vanishes into the city. 

Three days later the jungle-lion is recaptured - and returned to the zoo.

A month passes, then two, three..... but city-lion is not traceable!

Finally, after six months later the city-lion is also recaptured and brought back to the zoo. 

Jungle-lion is amazed to see his friend.

Jungle-lion: For God's sake, how were you able to evade these guys for 6 whole months?!

City-lion: Kuchh nahi yaar! I just went to a government department, and hide behind a huge pile of dusty files that they have there.

Jungle-lion: But what did you eat there? City-lion: Arrey, there was an unlimited supply of govt servants.

Whenever I ate one, they hired five more.

Nobody did any work anyway, so nobody missed the ones I ate.

Jungle-lion: Wow! But, then how did you get caught?

City-lion: Galti kar gaya yaar...

One day I ate the chai-walla. The whole office stopped working.

They launched a massive hunt for the Chaiwala. And I got caught!

Jungle-lion: S***!! kash mai bhi tere sat rahta.

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A farmer came into chinese town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could sell him a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, "There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!" So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks. The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, "Well... where are all the frogs?" The farmer said, "I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!" 

1- Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs.

2- Problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.

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