Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning.
AsI came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that
night. The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that
night. They said OK.After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"Alex shouted, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
______________________________
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4-year-old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
-----------------------------
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugar brown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugar brown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,Aren't you Mr. Sugar brown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but Mother says I'm not."
..............................
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
_____________________
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
_______________________
Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor
He is designed to remain Silent indoor....
"Husband is one who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."
______________________________
A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."His
mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework,Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes,"he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,"What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "WhatI taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
______________________________
AsI came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that
night. The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that
night. They said OK.After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"Alex shouted, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
______________________________
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4-year-old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
-----------------------------
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugar brown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugar brown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,Aren't you Mr. Sugar brown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but Mother says I'm not."
..............................
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
_____________________
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
_______________________
Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor
He is designed to remain Silent indoor....
"Husband is one who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."
______________________________
A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."His
mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework,Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes,"he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,"What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "WhatI taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
______________________________
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You are gorgeous."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You are beautiful!"
Then he fell asleep again.
After a few minutes, he again opened his eyes and said, "You are cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'gorgeous' or 'beautiful,' it was now just 'Cute.'
She said, "What happened to 'gorgeous, beautiful'?"
Her husband replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"
...........................................................................................
...........................................................................................
Yamraj to Santa:
'What's your last wish?'
'What's your last wish?'
Santa:
"I want to see Manmohan Singh speaking to Salman's wife at Sachin's retirement party..!!" Once Banta asked Santa..
.................................................................................................
.................................................................................................
"What is the secret behind your happy married life?"
Santa said..
"You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."
Banta asked, "Can you explain?"
Santa said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my
wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's
Still not convinced, Banta asked..
"Give me some examples"
Santa said..
"Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner,
refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc
are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"
Banta asked, "Then what is your role?"
Santa said..
"My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar
should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any
of these".
.................................................................................................................
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'
'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
The Pakistani Major had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from India.
"Khan," he ordered his aide-de-camp, "I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of Indian military activity."
"Ok, Major," replied Khan.
He trudged up the mountain, and as soon as he crossed the ridge he saw a squadron of planes heading their way.
"There are many planes coming, Major," he promptly radioed back.
"Friends or enemies?" the Major demanded urgently.
Khan again lifted his binoculars to the sky.
"They're flying very closely together, Major," he replied. "I think they must be friends."
"Khan," he ordered his aide-de-camp, "I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of Indian military activity."
"Ok, Major," replied Khan.
He trudged up the mountain, and as soon as he crossed the ridge he saw a squadron of planes heading their way.
"There are many planes coming, Major," he promptly radioed back.
"Friends or enemies?" the Major demanded urgently.
Khan again lifted his binoculars to the sky.
"They're flying very closely together, Major," he replied. "I think they must be friends."
Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Israeli government holds a special session to come up with a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says, "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States of America."
Everyone starts shouting at once, "You're nuts! That's crazy!"
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over."
"Sure," says Benny, another minister, "And what if we win?"
After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says, "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States of America."
Everyone starts shouting at once, "You're nuts! That's crazy!"
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over."
"Sure," says Benny, another minister, "And what if we win?"
There was once a famous Jewish court astrologer named Isaac the Great. The King's mistress got sick and Isaac was called in from a prediction. He happened to know a bit of medicine as well and could see that she was going to die, so thought he would take the opportunity to bolster his credibility a little.
He said, "Your Majesty, she will die in three days -- it's in the stars."
Sure enough, three days later, she dies. The King is very angry so he blames the astrologer.
He calls Isaac in and demands, "Look into the stars and tell me the day of your own death."
Isaac the astrologer understands that the King is going to kill him so he looks at the Horoscope with great intensity and answers, "Sir, I can't tell exactly when, but I can see in the stars that the King will die three days after me."
He said, "Your Majesty, she will die in three days -- it's in the stars."
Sure enough, three days later, she dies. The King is very angry so he blames the astrologer.
He calls Isaac in and demands, "Look into the stars and tell me the day of your own death."
Isaac the astrologer understands that the King is going to kill him so he looks at the Horoscope with great intensity and answers, "Sir, I can't tell exactly when, but I can see in the stars that the King will die three days after me."
..............................
Wife is busy packing her clothes.
Man: And where are you going?
Wife: I'm moving to my mother.
Husband also starts packing.
Wife: And where do you think your going?
Husband: I'm also moving to my mother.
Wife: And what about the kids?
Husband: Well if you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother then I guess they must also move to their mother..
Husband : had ur lunch.???
Wife : i m asking you
Husband : i m asking you
Wife : u copying me.?
Husband : u copying me?
Wife : lets go shopping
Husband : i had my lunch
______________________________
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you??
A mother and a baby camel were lazing around, and suddenly the baby camel asked....
Baby: Mother, mother, may I ask you some questions?
Mother: Sure! Why son, is there something bothering you?
Baby: Why do camels have humps?
Mother: Well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store water and we are known to survive without water.
Baby: Okay, then why are our legs long and our feet rounded?
Mother: Son, obviously they are meant for walking in the desert, You know with these legs I can move around the desert better than anyone does! Said the mother proudly.
Baby: Okay, then why are our eyelashes long? Sometimes it bothers my sight.
Mother: My son, those long thick eyelashes are your protective cover. They help to protect your eyes from the desert sand and wind. Said mother camel with eyes rimming with pride....
Baby: I see. So the hump is to store water when we are in the desert, the legs are for walking through the desert and these eyelashes protect my eyes from the desert...Then what the hell are we doing here in the Zzzoooooo!
MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
"Skills, knowledge, abilities and experiences are only useful if you are at the right place"
(Where are you right now????????)
______________________________
Dying Indian milkman
An Indian milkman who is dying in the hospital is surrounded by his two sons, daughter and his wife and nurse.
Says to his eldest son:
- To you, Shankar, I leave the Beverly houses.
- To you, my dear daughter Pooja, I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza.
- To you, Akash, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Center offices.
- And you, my dear wife Punam, the three residential building towers in downtown.
The nurse, impressed, tells his wife: Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!
And the wife retorts:
Rich??? Lucky??? Are you kidding me!!!?? Those are his routes where he delivers milk !!!
.........................................................................................................
Sunil Gavaskar when once touring Australia was invited for an Australian movie named "Gavaskar"..
Old joke but good one to laugh...........
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
Love, Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram:
'For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!'
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son's reply was: 'Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you, from here.'
MORAL: NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD, IF YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN DO IT. IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT MATTERS, NOT WHERE YOU ARE OR WHERE THE PERSON IS.
The other day it was my turn to prepare dinner so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables. She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were. "
He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, " These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
And he said, "No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself."
Says to his eldest son:
- To you, Shankar, I leave the Beverly houses.
- To you, my dear daughter Pooja, I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza.
- To you, Akash, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Center offices.
- And you, my dear wife Punam, the three residential building towers in downtown.
The nurse, impressed, tells his wife: Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!
And the wife retorts:
Rich??? Lucky??? Are you kidding me!!!?? Those are his routes where he delivers milk !!!
.........................................................................................................
Sunil Gavaskar when once touring Australia was invited for an Australian movie named "Gavaskar"..
He was over-joyed, humbly accepted the invitation and went for it. The movie began, but it was no where related to Sunil Gavaskar or cricket!
Out of fury, he questioned the director - "Are you out of mind? Why did you name this movie Gavaskar, and no mention of me in the whole movie??".
The director replied - "So Mr. Gavaskar, how would we Australians might had felt when you Indians made a movie named BORDER and there was no mention of Alan Border and cricket in it???" Gavaskar fainted..
Old joke but good one to laugh...........
Two friends billooo & tillooo went to school for appearing in English exam ( 7th standard ) . They had crammed an essay of "MY BEST FRIEND". But unfortunately , in the question-paper it was
written ...... write an essay on "MY FATHER"in just 30-45 words .So billooo was utterly confused & nervous ...what to do !!!
Tillooo gave an idea . . . . just write the essay My best friend & just keep on replacing the word friend with the father.....
So this was how billooo & tillooo wrote the essay ........
"MY FATHER"
Fathers & fathers are everywhere , but good fathers are very rare . I have so many fathers , but my best father is pyarelal. He is my neighbour. He often comes to my home & my mother likes him very much....
.Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said,
"I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said,
"I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her,
"Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."
"Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
..............................
An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
Love, Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram:
'For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!'
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son's reply was: 'Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you, from here.'
MORAL: NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD, IF YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN DO IT. IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT MATTERS, NOT WHERE YOU ARE OR WHERE THE PERSON IS.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The other day it was my turn to prepare dinner so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables. She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were. "
He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, " These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
And he said, "No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself."
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots Santa standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Santa is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to our Santa and asks him, "Ah excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
Santa replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.""How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Santa is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to our Santa and asks him, "Ah excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
Santa replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.""How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.
Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
.........................................................................................
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.
Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
.........................................................................................
A Wife:
My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, 'n I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders. Three years of courtship 'n now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it.
The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restles...sness. I am a sentimental woman 'n extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship 'n my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, 'n the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.
“Why?” he asked, shocked. “I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!” I answered. He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.
My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can’t even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him? 'n finally he asked me:” What can I do to change your mind?” Somebody said it right, it’s hard to change a person’s personality, 'n I guess, I have started losing faith in him.
Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : “Here is the question, if you can answer 'n convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let’s say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, 'n we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?” He said :” I will give you your answer tomorrow….” My hopes just sank by listening to his response.
I woke up the next morning to find him gone, 'n saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes….
My dear, “I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further..” This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading. “When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, 'n you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.
You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.
You always have the cramps whenever your “good friend” approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy. You like to stay indoors, 'n I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes 'n stories to cure your boredom.
You always stare at the computer, 'n that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails,'n help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine 'n the beautiful sand… 'n tell you the colour of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face…
Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do… I could not pick that flower yet, 'n die.. ” My tears fell on the letter, 'n blurred the ink of his handwriting… 'n as I continue on reading…
“Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread 'n fresh milk…
I rush to pull open the door, 'n saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle 'n loaf of bread…. Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, 'n I have decided to leave the flower alone…
That’s life, 'n love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, 'n one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace 'n dullness.
Love shows up in all forms, even very small 'n cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull 'n boring form.. . flowers, 'n romantic moments are only used 'n appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands… 'n that’s our life… Love, not words win arguments… !
My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, 'n I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders. Three years of courtship 'n now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it.
The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restles...sness. I am a sentimental woman 'n extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship 'n my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, 'n the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.
“Why?” he asked, shocked. “I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!” I answered. He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.
My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can’t even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him? 'n finally he asked me:” What can I do to change your mind?” Somebody said it right, it’s hard to change a person’s personality, 'n I guess, I have started losing faith in him.
Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : “Here is the question, if you can answer 'n convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let’s say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, 'n we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?” He said :” I will give you your answer tomorrow….” My hopes just sank by listening to his response.
I woke up the next morning to find him gone, 'n saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes….
My dear, “I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further..” This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading. “When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, 'n you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.
You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.
You always have the cramps whenever your “good friend” approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy. You like to stay indoors, 'n I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes 'n stories to cure your boredom.
You always stare at the computer, 'n that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails,'n help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine 'n the beautiful sand… 'n tell you the colour of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face…
Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do… I could not pick that flower yet, 'n die.. ” My tears fell on the letter, 'n blurred the ink of his handwriting… 'n as I continue on reading…
“Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread 'n fresh milk…
I rush to pull open the door, 'n saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle 'n loaf of bread…. Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, 'n I have decided to leave the flower alone…
That’s life, 'n love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, 'n one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace 'n dullness.
Love shows up in all forms, even very small 'n cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull 'n boring form.. . flowers, 'n romantic moments are only used 'n appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands… 'n that’s our life… Love, not words win arguments… !
Driver’s Seat: The best seat in a car is the driver’s seat. It is the most comfortable seat.There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, Tattooed biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, with his fist in my face.
As I burst into tears the biker says, "Come on, man," "I didn't think you'd CRY, dude I was just messing with ya"
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. Everything has gone wrong, I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
..............................
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, with his fist in my face.
As I burst into tears the biker says, "Come on, man," "I didn't think you'd CRY, dude I was just messing with ya"
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. Everything has gone wrong, I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
..............................
It was dark in the dense electoral jungle. King Manmohan Vikram Singh stood amidst the ominous trees, bathed in a sliver of moonlight leaking through tangled branches. Journalist owls hooted all around him. Reporter bats screeched by overhead. Opposition hyenas tittered, circling the King menacingly.
Undaunted, King Manmohan Vikram Singh strode towards the banyan tree where the ghost Betal 2014 hung upside down on a branch. He lifted the ghost off the branch, hoisted him on his powerful shoulders and began the walk towards the Italian tantrika. The smirking Betal told the king that he would narrate a story to pass the time, on the condition that the king does not speak. Should the King open his mouth, Betal will fly back to his resting place on the banyan tree.
Staying mum ' Ha! That's child?s play for me,' thought Singh. And so Betal began his story.
Once there was a powerful empire, ruled by a great king. The King was loved by one and all, for he was fair and sensitive to the needs of the poor. He was harsh with criminals and he was just in dealing with disputes. He even brought computers into the empire from distant lands. His subjects were happy.
The King's consort was a commoner from a distant exotic empire, who bore him a handsome prince. The prince was the apple of the King's eye and his wide-eyed innocence brought unbridled joy to his subjects. Everything was well in the kingdom.'
'Until one day, when disaster struck. On a trip to the Southern province, the King was attacked and killed by tigers. The shattered Queen, despite her grief, put the needs of her subjects first, and began to plan the succession. She realized that she would not be accepted as the ruler on account of her identify. The prince, while acceptable, was too young to rule the kingdom. So, she appointed her loyal Minister as the King.'
'The plan worked. To the subjects, the Minister was the King, but the Queen wielded the real power, and choreographed the Minister-turned-King's every move from behind the curtains. The courtiers realized that they must win the loyalty of the Queen in order to rise in influence. Soon the courtiers began to ignore the Minister-turned-King, and fell over themselves trying to please the Queen and her son.'
The kingdom suffered. Crime increased. Corruption gripped the kingdom. Sycophancy was as its peak. The royal treasury began to empty. Prices of important commodities increased manifold. Neighbouring empires threatened to annex the empire.
Discontent set in among the subjects. On the very computers the original King brought from distant lands, the subjects expressed and spread their views against the empire. Instead of helping the subjects, the courtiers and ministers instead dealt with them in a high handed manner. The disgruntled subjects turned to their Minister-turned-King for answers.
The Betal turned to King Manmohan Vikram Singh.Hey Rajan, now tell me. In this utterly chaotic situation, what was the reply of the Minister-turned-King
Utterly engrossed in the story, King Manmohan completely forgot his vow of silence, and said, The Minister-turned-King would have said, Hazaron jawabo se achchi hai Khamoshi meri, Na jaane kitne sawalo ki aabru rakhe.
The Betal laughed manically. O King, you are wise. Thats exactly what he said! But you broke your promise! You spoke!?
Saying thus, Betal 2014 slipped out of the Kings grasp and flew back to the Banyan Tree, with King Manmohan running after him in vain.
Will King Manmohan Vikram Singh get hold of Betal 2014 Or will Betal give him the slip yet again, with another story
When the great Sufi mystic, Hasan, was dying, somebody asked
"Hasan, who was your master?"
He said, "I had thousands of masters. If I just relate their names it will
take months, years and it is too late. But three masters I will certainly
tell you about.
One was a thief. Once I got lost in the desert, and when I reached a
village it was very late, everything was closed. But at last I found one
man who was trying to make a hole in the wall of a house. I asked
him where I could stay and he said 'At this time of night it will be
difficult, but you can stay with me - if you can stay with a thief'. And
the man was so beautiful. I stayed for one month! And each night he
would say to me, 'Now I am going to my work. You rest, you pray.'
When he came back I would ask 'Could you get anything?' He would
say, 'Not tonight. But tomorrow I will try again, God willing.'
He was
never in a state of hopelessness, he was always happy. When I was
meditating and meditating for years on end and nothing was
happening, many times the moment came when I was so desperate,
so hopeless, that I thought to stop all this nonsense. And suddenly I
would remember the thief who would say every night, 'God willing,
tomorrow it is going to happen.'
And my second master was a dog. I was going to the river, thirsty and
a dog came. It was also thirsty. It looked into the river, it saw
another dog there -- its own image -- and became afraid. It would
bard and run away, but his thirst was so much that he would come
back. Finally, despite his fear, it just jumped into the water, and the
image disappeared. And I knew that a message had come to me from
God: one has to jump in spite of all fears.
And the third master was a small child. I entered a town and a child
was carrying a lit candle. He was going to the mosque to put the
candle there. 'Just joking,' I asked the boy, 'have you lit the candle
yourself?' He said, 'Yes sir.' And I asked, 'There was a moment when
the candle was unlit, and then there was a moment when the candle
was lit. Can you show me the source from which the light came?' And
the boy laughed, blew out the candle, and said, 'Now you have seen
the light going. Where has it gone? You will tell me!'
My ego was
shattered; my whole knowledge was shattered. And that moment I felt
my own stupidity. Since then I dropped all my knowledge ability.
It is true that I had no master. That does not mean that I was not a
disciple -- I accepted the whole existence as my master. My Disciple
hood was a greater involvement than yours is.
I trusted the clouds,the trees. I trusted existence as such. I had no master because I had
millions of masters I learned from every possible source. To be a
disciple is a must on the path. What does it mean to be a disciple? It
means to be able to learn, to be available to learn, to be vulnerable to
existence. With a master you start learning to learn.
The master is a swimming pool where you can learn how to
swim. Once you have learned, all the oceans are yours."
..............................
It was dark in the dense electoral jungle. King Manmohan Vikram Singh stood amidst the ominous trees, bathed in a sliver of moonlight leaking through tangled branches. Journalist owls hooted all around him. Reporter bats screeched by overhead. Opposition hyenas tittered, circling the King menacingly.
Undaunted, King Manmohan Vikram Singh strode towards the banyan tree where the ghost Betal 2014 hung upside down on a branch. He lifted the ghost off the branch, hoisted him on his powerful shoulders and began the walk towards the Italian tantrika. The smirking Betal told the king that he would narrate a story to pass the time, on the condition that the king does not speak. Should the King open his mouth, Betal will fly back to his resting place on the banyan tree.
Staying mum ' Ha! That's child?s play for me,' thought Singh. And so Betal began his story.
Once there was a powerful empire, ruled by a great king. The King was loved by one and all, for he was fair and sensitive to the needs of the poor. He was harsh with criminals and he was just in dealing with disputes. He even brought computers into the empire from distant lands. His subjects were happy.
The King's consort was a commoner from a distant exotic empire, who bore him a handsome prince. The prince was the apple of the King's eye and his wide-eyed innocence brought unbridled joy to his subjects. Everything was well in the kingdom.'
'Until one day, when disaster struck. On a trip to the Southern province, the King was attacked and killed by tigers. The shattered Queen, despite her grief, put the needs of her subjects first, and began to plan the succession. She realized that she would not be accepted as the ruler on account of her identify. The prince, while acceptable, was too young to rule the kingdom. So, she appointed her loyal Minister as the King.'
'The plan worked. To the subjects, the Minister was the King, but the Queen wielded the real power, and choreographed the Minister-turned-King's every move from behind the curtains. The courtiers realized that they must win the loyalty of the Queen in order to rise in influence. Soon the courtiers began to ignore the Minister-turned-King, and fell over themselves trying to please the Queen and her son.'
The kingdom suffered. Crime increased. Corruption gripped the kingdom. Sycophancy was as its peak. The royal treasury began to empty. Prices of important commodities increased manifold. Neighbouring empires threatened to annex the empire.
Discontent set in among the subjects. On the very computers the original King brought from distant lands, the subjects expressed and spread their views against the empire. Instead of helping the subjects, the courtiers and ministers instead dealt with them in a high handed manner. The disgruntled subjects turned to their Minister-turned-King for answers.
The Betal turned to King Manmohan Vikram Singh.Hey Rajan, now tell me. In this utterly chaotic situation, what was the reply of the Minister-turned-King
Utterly engrossed in the story, King Manmohan completely forgot his vow of silence, and said, The Minister-turned-King would have said, Hazaron jawabo se achchi hai Khamoshi meri, Na jaane kitne sawalo ki aabru rakhe.
The Betal laughed manically. O King, you are wise. Thats exactly what he said! But you broke your promise! You spoke!?
Saying thus, Betal 2014 slipped out of the Kings grasp and flew back to the Banyan Tree, with King Manmohan running after him in vain.
Will King Manmohan Vikram Singh get hold of Betal 2014 Or will Betal give him the slip yet again, with another story
Undaunted, King Manmohan Vikram Singh strode towards the banyan tree where the ghost Betal 2014 hung upside down on a branch. He lifted the ghost off the branch, hoisted him on his powerful shoulders and began the walk towards the Italian tantrika. The smirking Betal told the king that he would narrate a story to pass the time, on the condition that the king does not speak. Should the King open his mouth, Betal will fly back to his resting place on the banyan tree.
Staying mum ' Ha! That's child?s play for me,' thought Singh. And so Betal began his story.
Once there was a powerful empire, ruled by a great king. The King was loved by one and all, for he was fair and sensitive to the needs of the poor. He was harsh with criminals and he was just in dealing with disputes. He even brought computers into the empire from distant lands. His subjects were happy.
The King's consort was a commoner from a distant exotic empire, who bore him a handsome prince. The prince was the apple of the King's eye and his wide-eyed innocence brought unbridled joy to his subjects. Everything was well in the kingdom.'
'Until one day, when disaster struck. On a trip to the Southern province, the King was attacked and killed by tigers. The shattered Queen, despite her grief, put the needs of her subjects first, and began to plan the succession. She realized that she would not be accepted as the ruler on account of her identify. The prince, while acceptable, was too young to rule the kingdom. So, she appointed her loyal Minister as the King.'
'The plan worked. To the subjects, the Minister was the King, but the Queen wielded the real power, and choreographed the Minister-turned-King's every move from behind the curtains. The courtiers realized that they must win the loyalty of the Queen in order to rise in influence. Soon the courtiers began to ignore the Minister-turned-King, and fell over themselves trying to please the Queen and her son.'
The kingdom suffered. Crime increased. Corruption gripped the kingdom. Sycophancy was as its peak. The royal treasury began to empty. Prices of important commodities increased manifold. Neighbouring empires threatened to annex the empire.
Discontent set in among the subjects. On the very computers the original King brought from distant lands, the subjects expressed and spread their views against the empire. Instead of helping the subjects, the courtiers and ministers instead dealt with them in a high handed manner. The disgruntled subjects turned to their Minister-turned-King for answers.
The Betal turned to King Manmohan Vikram Singh.Hey Rajan, now tell me. In this utterly chaotic situation, what was the reply of the Minister-turned-King
Utterly engrossed in the story, King Manmohan completely forgot his vow of silence, and said, The Minister-turned-King would have said, Hazaron jawabo se achchi hai Khamoshi meri, Na jaane kitne sawalo ki aabru rakhe.
The Betal laughed manically. O King, you are wise. Thats exactly what he said! But you broke your promise! You spoke!?
Saying thus, Betal 2014 slipped out of the Kings grasp and flew back to the Banyan Tree, with King Manmohan running after him in vain.
Will King Manmohan Vikram Singh get hold of Betal 2014 Or will Betal give him the slip yet again, with another story
When the great Sufi mystic, Hasan, was dying, somebody asked
"Hasan, who was your master?"
He said, "I had thousands of masters. If I just relate their names it will
take months, years and it is too late. But three masters I will certainly
tell you about.
One was a thief. Once I got lost in the desert, and when I reached a
village it was very late, everything was closed. But at last I found one
man who was trying to make a hole in the wall of a house. I asked
him where I could stay and he said 'At this time of night it will be
difficult, but you can stay with me - if you can stay with a thief'. And
the man was so beautiful. I stayed for one month! And each night he
would say to me, 'Now I am going to my work. You rest, you pray.'
When he came back I would ask 'Could you get anything?' He would
say, 'Not tonight. But tomorrow I will try again, God willing.'
He was
never in a state of hopelessness, he was always happy. When I was
meditating and meditating for years on end and nothing was
happening, many times the moment came when I was so desperate,
so hopeless, that I thought to stop all this nonsense. And suddenly I
would remember the thief who would say every night, 'God willing,
tomorrow it is going to happen.'
And my second master was a dog. I was going to the river, thirsty and
a dog came. It was also thirsty. It looked into the river, it saw
another dog there -- its own image -- and became afraid. It would
bard and run away, but his thirst was so much that he would come
back. Finally, despite his fear, it just jumped into the water, and the
image disappeared. And I knew that a message had come to me from
God: one has to jump in spite of all fears.
And the third master was a small child. I entered a town and a child
was carrying a lit candle. He was going to the mosque to put the
candle there. 'Just joking,' I asked the boy, 'have you lit the candle
yourself?' He said, 'Yes sir.' And I asked, 'There was a moment when
the candle was unlit, and then there was a moment when the candle
was lit. Can you show me the source from which the light came?' And
the boy laughed, blew out the candle, and said, 'Now you have seen
the light going. Where has it gone? You will tell me!'
My ego was
shattered; my whole knowledge was shattered. And that moment I felt
my own stupidity. Since then I dropped all my knowledge ability.
It is true that I had no master. That does not mean that I was not a
disciple -- I accepted the whole existence as my master. My Disciple
hood was a greater involvement than yours is.
I trusted the clouds,the trees. I trusted existence as such. I had no master because I had
millions of masters I learned from every possible source. To be a
disciple is a must on the path. What does it mean to be a disciple? It
means to be able to learn, to be available to learn, to be vulnerable to
existence. With a master you start learning to learn.
The master is a swimming pool where you can learn how to
swim. Once you have learned, all the oceans are yours."
"Hasan, who was your master?"
He said, "I had thousands of masters. If I just relate their names it will
take months, years and it is too late. But three masters I will certainly
tell you about.
One was a thief. Once I got lost in the desert, and when I reached a
village it was very late, everything was closed. But at last I found one
man who was trying to make a hole in the wall of a house. I asked
him where I could stay and he said 'At this time of night it will be
difficult, but you can stay with me - if you can stay with a thief'. And
the man was so beautiful. I stayed for one month! And each night he
would say to me, 'Now I am going to my work. You rest, you pray.'
When he came back I would ask 'Could you get anything?' He would
say, 'Not tonight. But tomorrow I will try again, God willing.'
He was
never in a state of hopelessness, he was always happy. When I was
meditating and meditating for years on end and nothing was
happening, many times the moment came when I was so desperate,
so hopeless, that I thought to stop all this nonsense. And suddenly I
would remember the thief who would say every night, 'God willing,
tomorrow it is going to happen.'
And my second master was a dog. I was going to the river, thirsty and
a dog came. It was also thirsty. It looked into the river, it saw
another dog there -- its own image -- and became afraid. It would
bard and run away, but his thirst was so much that he would come
back. Finally, despite his fear, it just jumped into the water, and the
image disappeared. And I knew that a message had come to me from
God: one has to jump in spite of all fears.
And the third master was a small child. I entered a town and a child
was carrying a lit candle. He was going to the mosque to put the
candle there. 'Just joking,' I asked the boy, 'have you lit the candle
yourself?' He said, 'Yes sir.' And I asked, 'There was a moment when
the candle was unlit, and then there was a moment when the candle
was lit. Can you show me the source from which the light came?' And
the boy laughed, blew out the candle, and said, 'Now you have seen
the light going. Where has it gone? You will tell me!'
My ego was
shattered; my whole knowledge was shattered. And that moment I felt
my own stupidity. Since then I dropped all my knowledge ability.
It is true that I had no master. That does not mean that I was not a
disciple -- I accepted the whole existence as my master. My Disciple
hood was a greater involvement than yours is.
I trusted the clouds,the trees. I trusted existence as such. I had no master because I had
millions of masters I learned from every possible source. To be a
disciple is a must on the path. What does it mean to be a disciple? It
means to be able to learn, to be available to learn, to be vulnerable to
existence. With a master you start learning to learn.
The master is a swimming pool where you can learn how to
swim. Once you have learned, all the oceans are yours."
..............................
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