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Saturday, January 15, 2011

Detached Attachment

 'காதோரம் வெள்ளை நரைமுடி வந்தால் ஓரம் போ! '

This is what I would like to say to people  who have become Mothers and Fathers -in-law.
'கண்டும்  காணாத  மாதிரி' that's turning a blind eye, in a sense be aware of what's happening but do not give importance to them.

At the age of early fifties, one tend to undergo these feelings like love, joy,grief,surprise, anger, hope, expectations,support and non-cooperation.  

Those days a mother would not like to see her daughter- in- law take her place and snatch her son's unconditional love. But nowadays, the unconditional love remains and the wife takes care of her husband, never think it is your son she is taking care of. How can you forget that after your marriage you had the full grip of your husband , and not your m-i-l? It's only that the 'pallu' is changed. Those days it was a family bundled in a small house with no specific rooms for any members and the scenario is changed now.

Always think of your earlier days after marriage, and let your children enjoy the pleasures you have had and also let them have whatever you could not have at that time, definitely your mind would have wished to have those petty happiness.  

Live it thro' them, I am like that, though I was in a nuclear family,I missed the joint family , [having brought up in ] because once you come home after a movie or outing, come home and take the responsibility of serving dinner and other things, had it been a joint family we [ m-i-law and me] would have shared them, I also needed someone to share my thoughts with. I could  discuss whenever my m-i-l was there things concerning her life, relatives and getting to know the background of my husband's family nothing much.

I have seen ms-i-l grumble about the ds-i-l, why is it so? She does not come with all her expectations sealed in a box? She also has feelings, aspirations, affection and love for her husband as well for her in-laws.  She needs to be given space to adjust and  modify herself attune to the demands of the new house. All cannot change whether its m-i-l, or d-i-l , if u don't like something change  it , if u can't change it, change the way u think about it. Simple! solution arrived!

Every minute see yourself in them, life will be as smooth as you expected. If you find it is going off the track, there is always  anchoring done politely and gently so that it does not create any heart burns! A parent's love for their children cannot be changed or reduced, it is the only thing that is divided without being diminished. A parent should  do whatever  they  can, for whoever children  they  can, with whatever they  have, and wherever  they are.

but because we do small things with great love. Be filled with love everyday.

The recent trend  of the 'y' gen is to work late night and wake up late so also the d-i-l in tandem so why crib? Be happy that God has kept you in  a good working, mobile condition to be helpful to your family, thank Him instead of finding fault. Once you become immobile, they have to struggle to manage the house and you, imagine if you keep breathing thro' their neck and poking with a spanner in their lifestyle,how would they care for the unconcerned m-i-l ?

Accepted that the current generation are not quick enough like my gen but that's because of the nature of work and the place of displacement.  

I have seen being in the western and central part of India , with the sunrise and sun set differences, I had undergone a lot of change in my life style and adapted some of the south Indian culture and some sticking to what we felt suitable for us. Currently having settled in Bangalore, a southern part, I could see for myself how it affects me and my kids in the 'utak, bhaitak' coping with the culture which knowingly or unknowingly we modified for our convenience. 

Same parents who were happy when a child took its first step on its own, find happiness in its freedom, fail to have their happiness when after he becomes a married man does not like to see his freedom!.  

 I on and off keep telling my friends to give a long and loose rope to their kids so 
 that they don't choke in their love. Responsibility is the mother of necessity.
 They will act at the right time, they may not have shown their maturity but 
 would have got some  by way of seeing their parents and by way of hearsay.

I have seen some parents who keep on talking ill of their own children irrespective of the gender, mainly because they did not listen to them, there is an age limit for the children also to blindly obey their parents.  If they question you not because it's out of disrespect but out of necessity, may be they would like to know the reason for doing certain things. What is wrong in explaining  instead of opposing or it could be that they find somewhere you are wrong in their eyes and they no longer want you to  take it for granted . Rather be happy that your child is able to reason out and stand for justice. 

It is good if your actions are an example to them, instead of handing over the leadership ,hand them over the qualities that you have thro' your teachings and actions.  That's the best wealth you are leaving them.



  1. All accepted
    we r like that.
    But the dils see us their ....
    காலம் பதில் சொல்லும்

  2. thanks for your valuable comment, but I feel we should 'let go', personally I find a lot of change in my gen and the earlier and so the coming gen too..........

  3. Arunarc
    On: 2nd February 2012 04:15 PM

    Hello MK
    That was a nice post on MIL and DIL.
    I would just like to say all the MIL's shouldn't forget that one day even they were DIL's.
    Might be when they were DIL might have not got all that her DIL is getting but instead of feeling jealous and frustrate she should be happy, that her DIL has much better then her. And join her in her happiness.
    I liked these words...
    *I on and off keep telling my friends togive a long and loose rope to their kids so *
    *that they don't choke in their love. Responsibility is the mother of necessity.*
    *They will act at the right time, they may not have shown their maturity but *
    *would have got some by way of seeing their parents and by way of hearsay.*

    Accept DIL as a friends and a nice human and we can see there will be so much off happiness around the house.